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This is the vaugest page of all! Anytime I see something funny online, It goes here. This page will grow fast, and get very big... |
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A Few Ideas To Help You Finish The Week
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are . Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your desk at work. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!, 3rd time this week!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling"run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Add viagra to the water at an old persons home.
Some of the E-mail Chains that have been going around.
Subject: FW: A Miracle???
Dear Friend,
In these awful times when all the news is bad, this true story, which I read in a major metropolitan newspaper, is a spark of hope.
Apparently, one of the rescue workers was digging through the rubble of the Pentagon after the attack when something that looked like a book caught his eye. He picked it up and brushed it off. Although everything around it was completely charred and destroyed, this book was completely intact. It was a copy of a very special book, a wonderful book that to many millions of people is more than just a book. Of course youve probably realized Im talking about "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey.
Well, if finding this book, which has brought inspiration and strength to so many people, unscathed in the midst of a terrible disaster site isnt a sign, I dont know what is! You can click below to buy your own copy of the book from Amazon. Please pass this along to anyone who wants some good news.
Subject: Fwd: Halloween Warning!
Everyone,
You know Im not one to pass along e-mails that get forwarded to me unless I have a reason to believe theyre for real. Well, this story is true, and very scary!
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My sisters friend had been dating a man of Saudi Arabian descent. They were going to go to the movies on September 9th, but, when she got home that night there was a message from him on her machine. It said that although he had enjoyed their dates, he could never see her again, and told her please, PLEASE, dont take any cross-country airplane flights on September 11th!
He went on to say, "One more thing, on Halloween, whatever you do, dont go anywhere near the party Mark OToole is having on Arbuckle Street. Bad things could happen there, and also Mark is an asshole who hooked up with his cousins girlfriend twice and acted like there was nothing wrong with it." My sisters friend never heard from the Arab man again!
Well, I really hope Im wrong about this. However, when the mans first warning came true in such a horrible fashion, I felt I could not take any chances and had to forward this on. Please pass it along to everyone you know, and just to be on the safe side, stay far away from Mark OToole on Halloween!
Subject: Fwd: "D&G" Not So Funny! Please Forward...
I saw this on a TV broadcast. One of the Middle East experts mentioned that Osama bin Ladens holding company has invested heavily in the TV sitcom "Dharma & Greg." He gets a large portion of his funding for his terrorist network from the profits for this show, so whenever we watch the show, we are in effect supporting attacks on OUR FELLOW AMERICANS!
Instead, why not tune into the delightful NBC program "Three Sisters"? In one recent episode that really made me laugh, Bess forgets her birth control during a romantic getaway and fears she may be pregnant! Its a really fun program, and 100% Osama-free!
Subject: Fwd: Please participate - satellite project
Help me spread the word about this advisory from NASA. On Thursday night at 9 PM Eastern time, a satellite photo of the United States will be taken, showing our nation united.
If you own a PC-compatible laptop, NASA has requested that you purchase Microsofts new Windows XP operating system and install it onto your computer. The process is simple and should take about an hour. Its Microsofts best operating system ever and lets you get more out of the Internet!
Take the laptop outside at 9 PM, start up Windows XP, and hold the "Start" screen up to the sky to symbolize our new "start" at coming together and fighting terrorism. Visit microsoft.com for more on how you can eXPerience more!
Subject: FWD: Fighting back
Thought everyone would like to know about something that happened in Saginaw County, Michigan. On the afternoon of 9/11, a Hostess driver was making a delivery to a convenience store just north of Petukah. This was just after the attacks, and when he walked into the store he found two Arab employees laughing, high-fiving, and pouring themselves champagne!
The disgusted driver went out and told his dispatcher what had happened, and said, "I just cant deliver DELICIOUS HOSTESS FRUIT PIES to these people!" The dispatcher told him, "Go back in there, and take every last morsel of REAL FRUIT FILLING and LIGHT, TENDER CRUST off their shelves! Well never supply them with any of our GREAT TASTING TREATS again!"
The driver went back in and proceeded to pull every last package of HOSTESS TWINKIES CAKES, with their DELICIOUS GOLDEN SPONGE CAKE and CREAMY FILLING, from the shelves, as well as all other Hostess products. He then left and told the celebrating workers, "Dont bother trying to get any more CHOCOLATE HOSTESS CUP CAKES from us. The rich devils food cake and FUDGY ICING are gone from your store forever!"
If you are as moved by this story as I was, forward this message to everyone in your address book, so the world will know about those who mocked our countrys pain, and what one maker of SCRUMPTIOUS, MOUTH-WATERING products did about it.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this
week
The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind
gets pretty crowded.
I got this motorhome for my wife...Best deal
I ever made!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your
nursing home.
Fight crime, shoot back
Horn broken. Watch for finger
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling
in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact
change.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would
explode.
I don't have a solution but I admire the
problem.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask
you to stop helping me.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit
bull.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot
in the air.
A best man's speech should be like a
mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting,
but long enough to cover the bare
essentials.
A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an
angel." Her friend replies, "You're lucky,
mine is still alive."
This ones probably an urban legend but:
A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive
cigars, insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without
having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed
a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in series of small
fires".
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that
the claim was frivolous.
He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in
which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed
that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to
be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare
cigars he had lost in the "fires".
HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
Why Fish are better than women!
1.)If you catch a fish you don't have to worry about
it's mother.
2.)If you're not in the mood for fish you can have
beef.
3.)You can catch fish at any age.
4.)You can keep fish in a live well until you're ready for them.
5.)If you don't like what you catch you can throw it back.
6.)Fish don't care what size your worm is.
7.)You don't need a big rod to catch a nice fish.
8.)You can use the same old line every time to catch a fish.
9.)It don't matter how cold it is to catch fish.
10.)You can eat (catch)fish any time.
BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December
and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it
to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes
around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me,
you don't wanna be around to smell it.
These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic
bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway?
HALLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Doctor's and Lawyer's make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint
of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -I think I deserve a
piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think
these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself
a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
As ever,
Barbie
KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa:
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned
you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue concerning
Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy,
have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us
do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.
Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately
squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my
lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore
my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are: "Decorator Ken,""Beauty
Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be
considered are: "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West
Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and,
I believe, open up markets that have been under served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while
the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she
can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last
night.
Sincerely,
Ken |
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The Stella Awards
In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award -for the most
frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates.
All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good
old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial)
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000
by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who
was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
prick was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting
the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused
him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million
dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in
yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the
jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time,
was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke
her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at
her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the
owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the
bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while
Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to
avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail:
Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not
liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and
attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for,
"just a few
minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed.
Some good ones, some are too pointlessly anti-Arab.
"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing." David Letterman
"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." Jay Leno
"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." David Letterman
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." David Letterman
"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." Jay Leno
"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update"
"Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." Jay Leno
"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." Jay Leno
"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." David Letterman
"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." Jay Leno
"I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." Jay Leno
"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." David Letterman
"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it 'Roots.'" Jay Leno
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." David Letterman
"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo." Jay Leno
"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed." Jay Leno
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" Conan O'Brien
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." Jay Leno
"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." Jay Leno
"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Usama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." Jay Leno
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." Jay Leno
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"I'll get a world record for this."
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
Bumper Sticker: "I like feminists; I think they're cute."
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your
cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband
fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your
plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one
weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We
hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5
minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you
pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your
shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will
assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what
you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully.
We'll wait."
BLONDES
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw
her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when suddenly the
Wal-Mart manager runs out and pulls the plug.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is very excited, as she loves the new
phone. He shows her how to use it and customize all the features.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi Hon, "he
says, "how do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't
understand. How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" |
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